It has never occurred to me to write a blog. I think I woke up on the morn of the technological age with a headache and a grumpy disposition that has lasted from the Amstrad green screen through to the iPod touchscreen and will probably serve me well into the age of the ibod no screen (can I patent that now so that when it becomes a reality I can sue and run away to a forgotten town in Tibet without the fear of being ‘found’ by all the wonderful inventions of this technological dawn? No? Oh well, worth a try eh?)
To me, a blog is a running commentary of your life, set out in pretty prose for others to read and comment on accordingly, thus either fueling a rant inducing inferno within the tattered remnants of your beaten soul or swelling your ego with nods of agreement coupled with the occasional ‘I want your babies’ thrown in for good measure.
However, due to the fact that you are (hopefully) reading my blog, I must have changed my mind and decided that some personal web presence and ego swelling is worth the soul tearing that I am likely to get from all the cyber fish already caught in the net (or would cyber flies caught in the web be a better analogy?) of the great technological dawn.
Each time I hear the words ‘technological dawn’ it reminds me of a fantastic scene from the film Time Bandits (one of my favourite childhood films) in which David Warner's character ‘Evil’ rants on about creating the technological age, a cold age of computers and digital watches. I think this sums up everything I feel about ‘technology’...it’s evil.
There is a famous conspiracy that all technological gadgets have a built in mechanism that determines their life span according to the preferences of the individual manufacturer. In that whatever piece of life saving gadgetry you have bought will invariably break within days of the end of the warranty, thus then forcing you to pay for your own damned repair, or the life of your appliance expiring just in time for the release of the ‘new and improved’ model in the hopes that the consumer is so fed up with all the jibes they get from their ‘hip and withit’ friends that they think ‘what the hell, this things broken anyway, might as well treat myself to a new one’ and splash out on that new model that not only heats water but can also connect to your wifi and automatically update your twitter, myspace and facebook profiles to let everyone know that you are enjoying a lovely hot cup of the beverage of your choice. (OK, can I patent THAT then?).
The main problem I have with technology is that although I would rather live my life without it’s wonderful ‘freedom’ which in itself is a joke, how are you free when with an awe inspiring handbag sized contraption you can be reached even at 3am when you have no idea where you are, what your name is or who in the hell is calling you from a night club in Costa Del Chav to ask you what the weather is like where you are? Or worse the ‘I have no idea I have called you and all you are going to hear is the sound of me pushing a trolley round Sainsbury’s, muffled by the contents of my handbag’ call where no matter how hard you scream down the line they simply can’t hear you and have no idea their phone is on.
Anyway, back to my point. I am very gifted when it comes to technology. If you want something doing with a computer, I will find a way to do it. I have owned, hacked and re-written codes for forums, programmed animated websites with html, php and flash, created flash files programmed with actionscript, taught myself object orientated programming languages (such as C++) and had a go at 3D modeling with Alias’ MAYA programme. I can record and manipulate sound and I can use photoshop properly.
Why is it then that I have no idea how to answer my mobile phone and I have no channels available on my television set.
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